Smashed
by QuantamTheory
Summary: One-Shot, COMPLETE. Written for Death the Kid Week 2015. Prompt was "drunk", and this happened. Takes place after "Life Lessons" and "Fall Is Here" and is complete, utter nonsense. Rated T for Liz' cussing (as usual) and a general lack of sobriety.


Girls' night at The Gallows came to an abrupt end when Black Star threw up on Liz' bedroom floor. One minute they were painting their nails and the next they were treated to the sudden appearance of their friend, as well as everything he'd consumed for the last eight hours. Which appeared to be mostly alcohol, by the smell of it.

Maka started in shock and almost added to the mess by dropping a bottle of nail polish on the floor. Tsubaki jumped off of Liz' bed and raced to her partner's side. It was hard to bend over him and keep the hem of her green maxi skirt clean at the same time, but she managed.

"Hey, Ts'baki. I came to tell you that Soul and Kid are reallllly drunk" Black Star slurred, trying to focus his eyes on her and making a bad job of it, "So's Ox an' e'vrybody. But they went home. 'Cause they're _drunk_."

"Oh, right, and you're totally sober." Liz snapped, equally irked by the mess and the fact that she was sitting home on a Friday night with a green clay mudpack on her face, _not_ drinking. Thank God she had hardwood floors and that they were well-sealed. _Oh my god, I'm starting to sound like someone's mom. Or Kid._

"Where are they?" Maka exclaimed, finally able to speak again, although not too well because her face was also slathered with green mud. She stood up, flailing her hands in the air as if that would dry her nails in the next seven seconds.

"Dunno." Black Star attempted a shrug and almost fell over. Liz, Maka and Tsubaki exchanged worried glances while Patty serenely stepped over the vomit to screw the cap back on Maka's bottle of nail polish. Liz got awful mad when the tops got left off.

A sudden crash reverberated all the way up from the first floor.

"Well, that answers that question." Liz sighed. She scurried down the hall with Patty and Maka, leaving Tsubaki with the unenviable task of helping Black Star into the bathroom

Kid and Soul were in the foyer with Caitlyn, one of the downstairs maids, fluttering over them. Soul sat on the black and white marble floor, laughing fit to kill at Kid, who was clinging desperately to a Georgian hall table in an attempt to stay upright. Maka wasn't sure the table was up to the task.

"Soul, what's going on? Are you okay?" she demanded, prodding him with her foot and continuing to wave her hands in the air. He swatted her ankle and gave her a disgusted look.

"I'm fine," he replied, "I'm cool."

"So cool you can't walk." Liz snorted. She asked the maid to get the housekeeper, sure that Mrs. Hurst had dealt with drunken partiers more than once during her long tenure at The Gallows. Maka, meanwhile, was hovering over Kid and trying to get him trying to explain his condition without much success. Tongue and wavelength were both totally incoherent. She couldn't even make sense of him through their soul bond; opening it up all the way made _her_ feel drunk.

"Went out with the guys." he announced, weaving.

"And then what?" Patty asked. She was behind Soul, trying to get him up off the floor.

"And I think I'm maybe drunk now." Kid answered, putting his head down on the table and pointing a finger into the air for no particular reason.

Maka rolled her eyes at Liz, "I didn't know he could _get_ drunk."

"Me either. He's pretty immune to everything. Remember the time that we all got food poisoning in the cafeteria? He didn't even throw up. Think he might now, though. I wonder what the hell they gave him?" Liz grabbed a fistful of her brother's hair and lifted his head.

"Hi!" he gave her a sunny, if somewhat wobbly, smile, "When did you get here?"

"Kid, what the hell were you drinking?"

"I'm just like the other guys! I'm like a normal person!" he declared happily.

"You've never been normal a day in your life." Liz gave his face a little slap, "Now tell me what you were drinking."

"I don't want to talk to you anymore. You're too loud. And green. " Kid put his face down on the table again, "Where's Maka? I don't see her."

"I'm right here." heedless of her sticky nails, Maka took him by the shoulders and urged him up. "Com'on" she said encouragingly, "Let's give this table a rest before you break it and have a fit when you sober up."

As soon as he let go of the table, Kid's feet went out from under him and even Maka's considerable strength couldn't keep him from hitting the floor. She sat down beside him and slid his head into her lap, hoping she'd be able to get the yellow polish on her nails out of his hair before he noticed it.

Soul started laughing again, but quit when Liz helped Patty begin lifting him up.

"I'm fine. I can walk by myself."

"The fuck you can." Liz said, pulling one of his arms across her shoulders.

"Shut up. You look like a clown." Soul was over-emphasizing his words, trying not to sound as drunk as he was, which had the exact opposite effect. "And you do, too." he told Maka, looking down at her green face and giggling.

"No she doesn't." Kid objected, opening his eyes and looking at his girlfriend critically, "She's got the most beautifulest face in the whole planet. I dunno why it's green but it's still so pretty."

Liz grunted, half in exasperation and half jealousy, "Whoever said love is blind was totally right."

Kid put his arms around Maka, "You better hold on tight. The planet I was talking about? It's is spinning really fast and I don't want you to fall off."

He burrowed his face back into her lap. "I love you." he told her left hip, "In case I die, I want you to know I love you."

"I love you too." She told him, kissing his forehead, "You're going to be fine."

"I want to be fine and have someone kiss my head," Soul told Liz plaintively, "How come you can't be nice like that, Clown Face?"

"Because I'm not a liar. You're going to feel like shit tomorrow. Plus you just called me a clown. Twice. You'll be lucky if you get an _aspirin_ out of me."

The housekeeper appeared in the archway to the hall with Lord Death and the maid in tow.

"Wow, Kiddo, what have you been up to? " Kid's father asked. The boy was rather spectacularly drunk, which took some doing for a Reaper.

"He had, like, two shots and then got all prissy and said he prosd...prosesed... _processed_ alcohol too fast to get drunk." Soul snorted, "So we dared him to shotgun two fifths of Everclear. The 190. And he did it!" He pointed at Kid, "You totally did it. You are _very_ cool!"

Kid gave him a thumbs up, nearly whacking his girlfriend's nose in the process.

Liz and Lord Death both winced and Maka looked at them wildly "What is that? I don't know what that is!"

"Everclear 190? Just about pure grain alcohol." Lord Death told her.

"95 percent booze," Liz supplied, "A quarter of that would kill one of us, and the little brat won't even have a hangover tomorrow! So not fair."

"Let's just get them upstairs and let them sleep it off," Lord Death suggested as he bent to lift his mostly-unconscious son off of Maka.

Liz balked at that. "Sleep it off? That's all? You would totally ground me if I came home like this!"

Lord Death smirked over his shoulder at her as he carried Kid toward the closest of the double staircases, "I didn't ground you when you came home at 2am last Wednesday. Consider it even."

"If you know _everything_ , then why don't you have a clue half the time?" Liz grinned at him while she helped Patty start the lengthy process of dragging Soul up to the second floor.

"I have a clue. I just don't pay attention much. And if it makes you feel any better, wait'll he gets a look at these yellow streaks in his hair. Maybe you can rub some of that green stuff on his face while he's asleep."

"I think I might be sick." Soul announced. Liz promised to kill him stone dead if he did.

"You'd be in interesting company. Zelda Fitzgerald was sick on these stairs in 1920." Lord Death mused, "Wandered out of the living room after too many Gin Rickeys. We all wondered where she'd gotten to."

"Well, what I want to know is where Black Star's gotten to." the housekeeper said, "These two barely made it through the door, but that one could be up to anything."

"Oh, he got all the way upstairs and threw up on the floor in Sis' room!" Patty volunteered. The housekeeper lifted horrified hands and sent Caitlyn scurrying for a bucket and a mop.

"She's gonna need help," Patty advised, "I think he had cheese fries."

* * *

 **A/N:** Don't ever make trashcan punch with Everclear 190 or even the 151. Just don't.


End file.
